Friday 20 May 2016

Just one of those days

I feel ya' Calvin!

Done with work, walking back home through the thronging crowds crooning with joy at this being a Friday afternoon, I realized how disconnected I was from the lives being led by these people, many of whom are co-workers. For them, this is a job that is a settled affair; for them, at the end of work on Friday, it is time to go home to their significant others; for them, it is a time to plan a weekend getaway - a movie, dining outside, hanging out with friends and family; for them, it is another week at a job that is a part of their life's plans.

I feel nothing of the sort. To me, the weekend is just another couple of days to cram as much work in as I can. Get some momentum going with my studies. Snappy, snarky phone calls with my parents. Blurry Facetime or Skype conversations with the only other person who knows how difficult my life is right now, and the person I feel like I am failing miserably. For me, it is about finding out that making the climb towards a career shift is so much harder than I thought it would be.

Have you had that eerie feeling when it seems like the bottom just fell out from under your stomach? Well, that Friday evening for me. My weekend begins with me calculating the razor thin margin of savings for this month, and fretting about how I can barely support my own existence, let alone make life easier for my parents. Then wondering about how to manage the cascade of expenses that stepping up to the USMLE will bring. After that, it is about balancing the work that needs to be done in anticipation for the next week. Studying a bit. Panicking a whole lot...

I have almost stopped frequenting Facebook (yeah, real life me has an account over there too!) these days. Almost everyone seems to be flashing that vibe where things are moving on in their lives. Engagements. Weddings. KIDS! Moving up the stairs in their chosen careers. And while I am genuinely happy for them, and wish them the very best going forward, it just is not the same for me. I get the feeling of being so desolate in the crowd of my friends, almost like the bus ride on my way back home from work on a Friday evening. I feel lonely, and out of sync, with the people around me. I keep up appearances, smile and nod, like and respond in an appropriate manner, but all of it almost always perfunctorily, in a rather hollow manner. For within, I know, this is me hitting the pause button on life. And I worry I shall never be able to hit start and live the life I have imagined is ahead of me...


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